Bon Secours

Holy Mary, mother unmarried, blessed by Angel Gabriel's call
to be the chosen one who carried a baby born to lead them all.
Catholic leaders, priests and nuns, claiming virtues and morals true
mark public enemy number one as "unmarried" mothers who
must be stripped of dignity and freedom, locked away from the world
convicts of ultra vires treason, ripped from baby boys and girls.

Bon Secours means good help translated.
May bon secours never reach my dog:
Unmarried mothers can be incarcerated
but animal rights are enshrined in law.

(Explanation: Just when you think there can't possibly be any more church scandals in Ireland the so-called Mother And Baby homes abuse of single mothers and their children hits the headlines. It's not really news because it was already known about but it has taken decades to get any attention. The collusion of Church and State is one aspect of it but there is also a wider collusion of parents, relations and community members of the pregnant women and girls who were sent to these places. The Journal Article & datbeardyman blog post.

Re-shared in March 2017, on foot of the news about the remains of   over 700 babies and children found in septic tanks on the property of the Bons Secours Mother & Baby Home in Tuam, Co. Galway. Those words 'mother and baby' combined with 'home' are so much at odds with how the Bons Secours nuns actually treated their captives).

Bang On Trend

What they've got in the UK and China,
Brazil and Turkmenistan,
can be found on our own fair island
but it's a place you won't get a tan.
It's not as far as you'd think,
not Germany, New Zealand, The States.
It's where they no longer mine zinc
and where Persephone waits.
Sinkhole fame for all of these sites,
Kilkenny has tunnels to mend,
mining wakes Hades to fight:
Up The Marble! You're bang on trend.

(Explanation: If I were to try and catalogue all the witty comments of @pauldunphy on Twitter we'd be here forever. However, the one that relates to this poem is a tweet of his in which he said to someone he knew who had been caught in a sinkhole, "you're bang on trend." After establishing the person was fine you just have to acknowledge that witty remark!
Kilkenny People article & The Telegraph article)

Perfect Me

How come you never realise that no-one rings your phone?
And yet you seem to agonise about the right ringtone:
You test at loudest beeping so they can hear nextdoor
and then keep them from sleeping with your endless fog-horn snore.

Do you ever think how all the plastic and the tin
that you pile in the sink gets to the recycling bin?
And I've another question that I'm sure is a no-brainer:
Who is the serial leaver of tea bags on the drainer?

It causes me to see bright red when my face is strewn with hair
because you wiped your just-shaved head with the towel we're meant to share.
How happy in your choice of mate you must surely be,
you chose well and sealed the fate of dear old perfect me.

(Explanation: I wrote With Love To My Antonym for my husband on Valentine's Day 2010. This is an update for Valentine's Day 2014. I think we have towel issues!
Inspired by: Martin O'Sullivan)

Vermin On The High Seas

Rats on a ghost ship we are cruising,
keeping on our toes, no time for snoozing,
we all need to eat but we've got no food in.
Vermin on the high seas.

Watch out World: We're non-stop breeders,
we're out of control and we've got no leaders,
we're nibbling at each other because we're feeders.
Vermin on the high seas.

When we get to land we'll all be manic.
We'll be biting off your hands so you should panic
We're looking for new meat and we're borderline satanic.
Vermin on the high seas.

(Explanation: I have been entertained by the commentary surrounding the whereabouts of the Lyubov Orlova and its 'crew' of rats. Some clever clogs set up a blog for the missing ghost ship.
I wrote this to the tune and rhyme of Irish Rovers' Drunken Sailor.
Inspired by: Where is Lyubov Orlova? & Drunken Sailor .

Update on 27/03/2014: I think they landed in Sweden!

Update on 19/02/2020: The rats are back in the news, still sailing!)

When Nappies Ruled

Back in time us three flew
to babies crying when nappies ruled.
Transported by awful doses
of streaming eyes and runny noses,
restless sleep and picky eating,
bright red cheeks and non-stop needing.
Three days all told and yet I
feel steam-rolled, knackered and resigned.
How'd you and I muddle through
when babies cried and nappies ruled?

(Explanation: My two children had three days of sickness between them until today. They can do so much themselves now that it was a shock to my system and I can't believe we actually got through the days when one was a newborn and the other a toddler.)

Lord Bless Africa

Nineteen-eighteen to twenty-thirteen,
ninety-five years in all,
twenty-seven years of a long walk to freedom.
Eight-hundred-and-fifty people called
to complain and record their upset
that a television show had been
interrupted to announce Mandela's death
during a hilarious scene.

Disgraceful to diminish such news
and yet a smiling Nelson
would have considered their views,
and possibly chuckled at them
asserting their rights,
no more than he might have thought
Obama and Cameron were doing no harm
taking selfies as they talked
at the memorial service for a man
who was prepared to die.

(Explanation: Nelson Mandela died on 5th December 2013. The BBC interrupted a repeat episode of the comedy, Mrs. Brown's Boys, to announce his passing and received 850 complaints about the interruption.
independent.ie article & Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika)

Holy Night

Scapulars in place
wimples under chin
Do I need a breastplate?
Yes, guimopes are in.
Is a veil part of the vow
or should we all don coronets?
Don't forget your shoes now,
sensible is best.

A couple lost a son
and Christy Walsh did undertake
to inspire everyone
to support a record break.
Not only did they do it
but he also got two fines
for serving fifteen hundred sisters
after legal closing time.

I can't help but feel annoyed:
Were there not any other sins
to keep the guards employed
during the nuns' well-deserved lock-ins?

(Explanation: Christy Walsh, a Listowel publican, ran Nunday on 30th June 2012. Over 1400 people dressed in full nun's habit turned out and broke a world record. A Co. Kerry family had lost their son to suicide and Walsh organised the event to raise funds for Pieta House. The celebrations went on past closing time and Walsh's pub was raided twice by the guards resulting in his being fined.
Inspired by: allvoices.com article)

Artistic Licence

The TV licence is only for mugs
sure it's all ads unless you have Sky.
A driver's licence is simply a joke
when petrol costs are so high.
A dog licence is a nuisance
it takes forever to get
(Why does it have to be handwritten,
do they know it's just for your pet?)
Give me a few hours rest
locked away from the noise and the fuss;
Let me serve out some time as your guest,
where I won't have to cook, wash or dust.
While I'm there you can give me three grand
and write off my debts if you please
and I can be safe in the knowledge
that artistic licence is all that I need.

(Explanation: Raimie Leahy is a Kilkenny artist. He served a few hours in prison because of an outstanding parking fine of €270 in August 2013. He had paid the fine by cheque but because the cheque was made out for €290.00 it wasn't cashed so the fine remained outstanding. The fine was written off after the jail time was served. Today one of Leahy's paintings hangs in the Garda Station where he served his time after the OPW paid €3000 for it.
Inspired by: Kilkenny People Article)

A Ferryman Joke

They had stayed the night on the island resort,
the speeches and the photos were done,
their lifetime's wealth gone on ceremony.

Clothes changed now to depart anon,
thanked everyone for being so kind,
paid the massive bill
and waited out at the river.

They waited around,
they heard the ferryman growl.
The voice of the bride begged, "do it!"
Voices left and right yelled, "do it!"
An angry answer came back from the shore;
"Ye haven't a clue:

If you don't pay the ferryman
he simply won't think twice:
If you don't pay the ferryman
he won't get you to the other side."

(Explanation: On 27th September 2013, guests at Waterford Castle Hotel found themselves stranded on Little Island in Waterford City. A civil dispute had arisen between the ferryman and the hotel management. The hotel is currently in receivership and it is thought that it was in debt to the private ferry service. 
I wrote this to the tune and rhyme of the Chris De Burgh song Don't Pay The Ferryman.
Inspired by: RTÉ news story, Don't Pay The Ferryman by Chris De Burgh)

The Man In Boxer Shorts

The party was magnificent:
We considered how the hitch
had passed off without incident,
not the slightest little glitch.
Drinking, dancing, singing loud
but no inebriation.
Congratulations ringing out
a perfect celebration.

For us the day was over
and we called it a night
but there were those who felt too sober
to resist a final pint.
The groom's brother sipped
until the hotel bar was closed
and then he took the lift
and found his room where he disrobed

All set now for sleep
bar one more thing to do,
Francis had to pee
so he headed for the loo.
He steadied and he focused
and he leaned against the wall,
threw wide open the toilet door
and walked right
                     .......into the hall!

Out in the corridor
in nothing but his kaks
surrounded by matching doors
and still needing the jacks,
he remembers that someone passed,
he forgets quite a lot,
he's sure of the fact that
he pissed in a plant pot.

The details still elude him
so we may never know
if he had his photo taken
or puked up on the floor.
The day may come when he is picked
for the leading part
in a YouTube exposé-type clip
of a man in boxer shorts.

(Explanation: After Martin & I got married we threw a Housewarming Party a few days later and announced our marriage there. Martin's family came to the party at our house and stayed at the Viking Ramada Hotel in Waterford City. Martin's dad visited in the last few days and it was only then that we only found out about the antics of Martin's brother, Francis, that night.
Inspired by: Francis O'Sullivan)